Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey return for another thrashing...by the critics. Not that the box office will notice. The reviews of the first adaptation were so awful you'd expect the whole cast and crew to still be in a witness protection scheme, yet it made over $570 million. The Fifty Shades franchise is swept along by a fan base delighted to see Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan so ably embody the book's mismatched lovers.
A recap of the last one: Ana was the virginal student who fell into the clutches of the bondage-obsessed billionaire Christian Grey. She was more M&S than S&M and eventually ran off after his demands became too pervy. Now wants her back saying he's happy with vanilla, instead of tutti frutti, so she agrees to give it a go.
It's easy to laugh at Fifty Shades Darker. At the premiere, even the partisan crowd were having trouble holding back the awkward giggles, especially during the sex scenes. They get it on in restaurants, showers and lifts before heading to the bedroom to try a range of gadgets that on the big screen look faintly ridiculous. There's a leather cuff on a pole that looks more suited to keeping an angry Shetland pony at arm's length, and two silver balls that end up being the strangest product placement in film. But somehow they do little to whip up much excitement between the stars. Dornan is in more incredible shape than ever – idly planking on a pommel horse as Johnson watches, biting her bottom lip. But when they get horizontal together it all gets a bit flaccid.
The dialogue at times also brought a hysterical reaction. Her to him: "I'll go to dinner with you…but only because I'm hungry." Later, him to her: "I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank you." Dornan and Johnson are far better than the material, and you sense they know it this time. As does Rita Ora who comes back as Christian's sister. And Kim Basinger as the older 'Mrs. Robinson' from his past and is given a melodramatic face-slapping scene that wouldn't make it into a daytime soap.
It would be great if Fifty Shades Darker could end up being a loveable cheesy classic. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it ended up like The Rocky Horror Picture Show – we'd all turn up wearing Venetian ball masks and shouting, "They're called nipple clamps!" (actual line) at the screen at the right moment. But there are some serious issues at stake. From its dubious politics about sexual consent in Fifty Shades of Grey, it leaps flat-footed into the arena of coercion and control in relationships. The movie spends much of its time presenting Christian as flawed but decent boyfriend material – not the creepy stalker he is. The swoony finale seems to forget he's given her a phone so he can spy on her, hacked her bank account and needs her to ask permission for everything she does. Let's hope they get it right for the third one.
See all the looks from the Fifty Shades Darker premiere here